Today is just one of those days. I feel agitated. I feel stressed. I feel like it takes every ounce of strength to keep the tears from falling. I know once they do, it takes so long to stop, so I fight it hard sometimes.
It all comes down to the age old problem of "so much to do, so little time". It seems my plate has run over, and everything is spilling down...all over the place. I struggle to keep up with the day to day tasks, which makes it near impossible to get around to anything else. And by anything else I mean additional work I'd like to do for my daycare business (planning more activities, etc.), getting the house organized, TAXES, other items on my to-do list, and finally, things that I WANT to do.
I want to sew, I want to take more photos, I want to get some of my favorite photos printed, I want to exercise, I want to write-everyday, I want to play with the kids without having a to-do list on my mind, I want to be happy, I want to find that part of me that has been lost in the shuffle.
I do want to add that I love my children more than anything. They are amazing! I have a hard time just plopping them in front of the TV so that I can do my thing...and when I DO do that, it is usually to clean up the kitchen/dishes or run some laundry. I try to let them play on their own (minus the TV) and some days they can get along with each other while they play together or separately, and some days it only lasts so long before they can't leave each other alone and I have to intervene. I try to let them work things out; but I know the point in which I need to step in before someone gets injured.
Am I being selfish in thinking that I should be able to do something for me every once in a while? Does becoming a mother really mean that you have to give up everything about yourself because you are all about your children now? To a point maybe. I know I love to spend time with my children. I do all I can to keep them safe, protected, clothed, fed, etc... They are my life.
But, I have lost me. Deep down I don't feel the kind of 'happy' that I should. I am having a difficult time finding the right balance in life that will allow me the happiness that I truly desire. "If mama's not happy, nobody's happy", right? I want my kids to be happy in life.
This is a big problem, and I need to work on it NOW before I let too much time pass us by.