Saturday, May 21, 2011

No Title...Just Spewing Random Thoughts

What is this life? Where we live each day just trying to get to the next? Things are never done, and the cycle continues day after day to just keep up on the things that do matter, but they really don't. And, even then some things just sit around waiting to be taken care of, but sit and sit because we can't keep up with what we're trying to keep up with. What is the point? Will we ever get ahead? Will we ever get through what just needs to get done to even get ahead? Is this really how I feel life should be? No. And woulda coulda shoulda's are not worth thinking about, but we all do, right? I "shoulda" followed my dream all those years ago and started over in a new land, a new language, a new life. I "coulda" had that new life if this and that and such were different. I "woulda" opened a lot of new doors along the way. Although, I can't really say where I would be today, or what my life would be like, because it is 'now' and shoulda coulda woulda's mean nothing, except possible regret, frustration and sadness. How do I get past this? Do woulda coulda shoulda's surface when we are not truly happy with something in our lives? If I were truly happy, these would not be an issue, right? I still have not found that balance in life. I feel like it has been taking too long to find it, which leads me to believe that I am not really searching for it, even though I need it so badly. What is holding me back? Why can't I just get things organized and figure it out? What am I really trying to figure out anyways? Do I need a goal, or a picture, of what I want my life to be? I would then have something to work towards instead of following this same old path to nowhere. But what do I really want anyways, besides true happiness and to be content in my life? How do I choose the right path to happiness? Where will that path lead me? What is waiting at the end? What is true happiness anyways? What does it feel like to be content? For me it may be one thing, and for you something completely different. I don't know what I want, or how to feel, so I continue on doing what I'm doing, just to get by. Some days it's upsetting to me. For the sake of my children and family, I really need to get it together because they mean the world to me, and I feel it isn't fair for them to have to endure my uncertainty because although I try to give them my all, deep down we all know that the shadow of what I really am is always lurking and before long it will 'shine' through for all to see, even despite the cloudy days.

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