Friday, December 9, 2011

A Life Worth Living - PART 1: A Reflection

Click here to read: A Life Worth Living - Part 2: A Decision Is Made
Click here to read: A Life Worth Living - Part 3: Where I Am Now

Sometimes you make a big life changing decision thinking that the outcome will be exactly what you wanted. Then you realize down the road, that it really isn't what you wanted. This is where I am at. This doesn't mean that I wish I could "take it all back", because I certainly do not wish to return to the "life" that I had before making the big decision. And, honestly I am for the most part happy where I am right now because I feel that everything happens for a reason, and this MUST be a stepping stone to where my path will eventually continue on to.
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A year and a half ago I resigned from my full-time I.T. job at a technical college, leaving behind many friends, tons of memories, great benefits (health/dental insurance, retirement, etc), and exactly 11 1/2 years of my life (12/1/98-6/1/10). I had outgrown my job in the department a few years prior, although I still enjoyed supporting the staff and students everyday. I felt in my heart that it was time to go, but the health/dental insurance kept me around for a couple more years (I had a husband and two young children to think of).

Here is my story...

Two young children. While I knew they were well cared for at my mom's daycare, I felt like I was missing out on so much. My daily routine went kind of like this: up at 4:30/4:45 to get ready, throw a quick lunch together (if I didn't the night before), grab something for breakfast that I would eat at my desk throughout the morning as time/students allowed (if at all), get the kids up and changed, try to be out the door by 5:30/5:45 to drive 45 minutes to drop the kids off with my mom, then another 20 minutes to get to work. I had been starting work around 6:30/6:45 so I could be out around 3, but near the 'end' I was rushing in at 7am when I needed to be opening the student lab. The 4:30/4:45 wake-up time was just getting difficult. So, I'd leave work around 3/3:30 then head to my parent's to get the kids. But, usually I'd sit down and end up hanging out for a while because I was so exhausted the kids were playing so nice. Then we'd eventually head home, which was another 45 minutes of driving, sometimes an hour if traffic was bad before I entered the country (no traffic!). So home around 5:30 or so, then it was: make dinner/give kids baths/pajamas/brush teeth/read books/kids in bed by 7:30 or 8/mom in bed by 9, if that. Going to bed anytime after 9 was going to bed late, for me!

This was pretty much Monday-Friday, although my hubby (who works Wednesday through Saturday) had been taking some classes and there were some semesters that he would keep the kids home on Monday or Tuesday if he didn't have classes those days, but for a while before the 'end' I think I was bringing them M-F. Then I was with the kiddos all day on Saturdays while the hubby worked (usually gone 6am-6/7pm). Oh, and I think I forgot to say that Wednesday is his 'late' day at work; 10am-8pm, but sometimes not home 'til 10. I understand that he has no control over his work hours (and would love for them to be different), but man, were his work hours tough on everyone!

I was thankful to spend time with the kids on Saturdays, but honestly I was so burnt out from the week that it was hard to find the energy to actually take them somewhere to do something fun. I felt horrible. I'd barely get to spend any time with them during the week (especially when my daughter wouldn't fall asleep for naptime at daycare and then instead fall asleep on the way home and sleep through the night-for a while she was doing this 2-4 nights per week!) and then I was so exhausted on the weekends that I didn't feel like doing much of anything except play at home, and maybe try to get some laundry/dishes/cleaning done.

Was this really my life? Why did I allow it to be that way? How would I ever get to really know my children? Did I mention that I am married? How can your marriage be healthy if it is rare that you actually get to spend any time together? Was having fantastic health/dental insurance really worth not being able to spend time with my family? I'm pretty sure I was dealing with depression.

I hit rock bottom and knew I had to make a change. There had to be more to life than living it the way I was "living" it...

Click here to read: A Life Worth Living - Part 2: A Decision Is Made
Click here to read: A Life Worth Living - Part 3: Where I Am Now


  1. I just came across your blog and I also have children 14 months apart in age (currently 4 and almost 3). I also have a 3rd 19 months from the second. I look forward to following your story!

  2. This is exactly why I never returned to work. Wow your days were crazy! Good for you for deciding to stay home with your kids. I want to return to college when my kids are both in school full time. I don't have any post-secondary education that's worth anything so if I got a job I'd be making minimum wage. Which around here would be just enough to cover my daycare bill! I really wish I could do what you're doing, with the home daycare. Unfortunately my husband works shift work and isn't in love with the idea.