Monday, April 9, 2012

Unfinished Posts...

In January and February I began writing posts that have been hiding as Drafts, for various reasons. Lack of time or motivation to finish them; knowing that things are a bit different now so uncertain if I should even put it out there; thinking maybe things would get 'better' soon and then I wouldn't feel the need to write further posts about it; fear that someone might want to talk about it

Excuses, excuses...I think excuses (in this sense of the word) may just be things we make up to make ourselves feel better about not doing something that we know we should do. And excuses are not an excuse to put things off.

While I am a busy mom/childcare provider/housekeeper/chef, lack of time is no excuse. I do have time here and there. Lack of motivation...while this seems more reasonable, I really did feel motivated to finish them-in my mind anyways: it was just the actual typing thing that didn't work out. Things are getting better, slowly, but it is still a work in progress; thus, I still feel like I will have a lot to say-some on here, and some in my journal that requires ink, although I am not planning to type those to post here. And while I fear that someone may want to actually talk about anything I've written (because sometimes I feel that this is my own battle to be fought on my own) deep down I know that isolating myself is not the answer. Luckily I have a very patient and understanding husband who has been very supportive of me, so I never feel completely alone in this.

Overall I feel that these unfinished posts will be the backbone of future writings, so I've decided to go ahead and post them here. They are maybe not as complete as I would like them; I'm sure I had more to say and such, but I'm tired of thinking about the Drafts hiding in my list. The longer I have waited to post them, the more that has changed so it's time to just get these out there and start fresh with where I am now. I will do my best to post where I am now, in the next week or so. I am taking on a new "adventure" soon and would like to begin writing about it, so I can do update posts. AND, I still haven't posted Part 3 of A Life Worth Living, so it's going to be short, sweet, and to the point (hopefully) so I can clear it out and get on with things :-)  Here we go:

January 25, 2012
Out With It

I've recently discovered realized admitted that I have been suffering from depression for several years. It has had a big effect on my day to day life, including how I handle situations with the kids to the relationship with my husband. It is a horrible thing, and from the outside it may not seem very apparent, but inside is where it hurts. Inside is where I can hide it away to try to make people think that I am ok. Inside is where it should not be.

It seems that it may have started as postpartum depression, but I believe I may have had a mild case of depression for many years before my children were born. Maybe it wouldn't have even been classified as depression, but more so the ups and downs of the "average" persons life (whatever average is...but I'll use that term here anyways). Then add the shock of becoming a new mother...and it twists and turns things to a whole new level. I started this post several days ago, and while thinking about how to write what I wanted to say next, I realized that this didn't start as postpartum depression, and I didn't have a mild case of depression before having children. I had a really bad case of depression. How could I have forgotten about those terribly awful THREE YEARS I suffered through before I got pregnant? Wow, what the mind can do. Part of me has chosen to forget about those years, but deep down I still remember it. Maybe it would be more accurate to say I had mild depression BEFORE those three years of he!!.

I guess I can't continue without briefly talking about those three years, and what brought me down (I really don't want to "relive" in my mind all that I went through).

In the fall of 2003 I began to have some pain in my heel. Over time (and many doctors) it led to knee pain, finger pain, both heels being in pain, big toe pain, etc... I felt like pain had taken over my body, and no doctor could really tell me what was wrong. I was made custom orthotics for my shoes, braces to wear on my feet at night, walking boots, you name it-I had it/tried it. I had a DEXA scan and learned that I had osteopenia (the beginning stage of osteoporosis, but explained nothing about my pain), and I even had a doctor diagnose me with Psoriatic Arthritis in 2005. One of the (several) medications he wanted to put me on (Methotrexate) was known to be used as a means of medicinal abortion. I could NOT put that in my body knowing I wanted to have children just didn't seem right.

After losing trust in traditional medicine, I decided to take the alternative medicine approach, and to start - seek out a chiropractor. After searching, I found a place in my hometown (far from my current home, but was close to where I was working at the time) that seemed really great. Even though my insurance didn't cover this particular clinic, I just had a feeling that they could help. Everyone there was so helpful, friendly, and it felt like home. Dr. Jay Bertsch (from Team Health Care Clinic) is one of my heroes. He performed chiropractic work, and I also received massage and STIM treatments. It helped a bit, but the thing that really changed my life was NAET (Nambudripad's Allergy Elimination Technique), which Dr. Jay recommended. It was expensive, but I decided that anything that could possibly conquer this pain would be worth every penny, and it WAS. I won't go into describing the method here because my "brief" explanation has turned lengthy already. I will just say that I will forever be grateful for Dr. Jay because he gave me my life back, and although I am still dealing with depression in other ways/for other reasons, I am doing it pain free. And that makes such a WORLD of difference. I became pregnant shortly after completing the NAET treatments, found some GREAT shoes (and learned the importance of buying good shoes, at any cost) and have not had any of these pains since!

I can envision the life I want to be leading. Not in the long run, and not even in the short run, just in general. Simple things that shouldn't even be a big deal, but I am just lacking the motivation to do them. I somehow manage to keep my business running (which means keeping a tidy house), keep our tummies full and have clean clothes on our backs, but there is so much more I want to do.

February 17, 2012
Suffering VS Fighting

I was suffering from depression for A.LONG.TIME. But I am no longer suffering, I am now FIGHTING!

The difference between the two is amazing. For too long I gave in to what I didn't even know was happening to me - a downward spiral of my life=depression. It was only a few weeks ago that I realized what was "wrong" with me. It was the best realization I had had in a long time. Not only did it put a name to what I was going through, it gave me a starting point to figure out how to get better, to heal, to feel like there is more to life than what I had been living. I still need to set some type of goal though, so I know that I am on the right path to recovering from this long, silent road I have been on, but that will come. Can happiness be a goal? How is that measured? Does it need to be measured? Maybe as I read about depression, and how to fight it, I will find ways to change little by little and the happiness will just come naturally.

To go on I need to fight, I need to learn, I need to take action and LIVE life.

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